I want...

I know I shouldn't wish my life away... I know it won't do any good... but why... oh why.. do kids have to grow up!!!

I remember when the boys were all small... and I thought I was never going to be able to shower again at a decent hour... or I was always going to be destined to rock them to sleep forever... that they would "need" me for everything forever... and I'd never be a woman again... with thoughts and dreams and goals and aspirations...

And then BANG!!! Fast forward 11 years... My men are 16, almost 14 and almost 11. 

Oh... how I wish they were small again.  I would love it if a tiny person would pull on my blouse and bend over and ask me to wipe his behind... in the kitchen... with the entire length of toilet paper trailing behind him...

I would LOVE it... if when they needed a bath... I could pile them all into the bathtub and have splash time again... and say things like... "No Johnny, don't drink the bath water... and No... Alex... no peeing while washing... that's what the toilet is for."

I NEED someone to ask me to read him a story.

I MISS being asked to "Marry me Mommy" every single day.

I miss having a baby boy sleeping on my shoulder...and sighing the sigh of a satiated, clean baby... while his bottom lip quivers in his sleep.

I miss my baby boys.  They are getting so big... so independent.  One is going to be driving in one week.  How the hell did that happen?  It just can't be!!!

 I want naked little boys to run around the house again... laughing about being naked... and screaming... Mama!!! I'm naked!!!  You can't catch me!!!  While I playfully scold them to go put their clothes back on.

I want to step on Legos again.  I want there to be too many toys cluttering up my house.  I want tiny chairs, and Little Golden Books all over the place.

I want them to fit in my lap again.  I want to have to get a babysitter again.

It's weird... when they were little, I always seemed to be going somewhere where I needed a sitter.  Now... that I don't need a sitter... I never go anywhere anymore...

When I used to long for time "away" from being a Mama, when they were little... I now long for MORE time... for the Mama time to last just a little while longer.

They wash their own clothes, they can cook their own food, if I'm not available, they can reach things on higher shelves than me.  They don't need me for anything anymore... and I'm heartbroken about it.

Luckily... William will hold my hand, kiss me in public, even at his High School, and tells me he loves me... but I know it's only for a little while longer... until a *sigh* girl takes his heart...  Alex tells me his friends like me, and think I'm "cool"... but once again... only until the 'girl' takes his heart... and Johnny... thank God... he's still young enough to think I'm still the living end... but he has two older brothers that are making him grow up faster than normal... it's inevitable...

I'm going to be phased out... all too soon.

I'm. Not. Ready.  It's too soon.  I was just holding them and cooing at them just yesterday... or maybe that was 16 years ago... yeah... it was... it seems like a dream...

I need more time... I need to reinvent myself... so I can occupy my time when they are on their own...

Is it too late to be Cindy Crawford?