Sunday, April 18, 2010

I want...

I know I shouldn't wish my life away... I know it won't do any good... but why... oh why.. do kids have to grow up!!!

I remember when the boys were all small... and I thought I was never going to be able to shower again at a decent hour... or I was always going to be destined to rock them to sleep forever... that they would "need" me for everything forever... and I'd never be a woman again... with thoughts and dreams and goals and aspirations...

And then BANG!!! Fast forward 11 years... My men are 16, almost 14 and almost 11. 

Oh... how I wish they were small again.  I would love it if a tiny person would pull on my blouse and bend over and ask me to wipe his behind... in the kitchen... with the entire length of toilet paper trailing behind him...

I would LOVE it... if when they needed a bath... I could pile them all into the bathtub and have splash time again... and say things like... "No Johnny, don't drink the bath water... and No... Alex... no peeing while washing... that's what the toilet is for."

I NEED someone to ask me to read him a story.

I MISS being asked to "Marry me Mommy" every single day.

I miss having a baby boy sleeping on my shoulder...and sighing the sigh of a satiated, clean baby... while his bottom lip quivers in his sleep.

I miss my baby boys.  They are getting so big... so independent.  One is going to be driving in one week.  How the hell did that happen?  It just can't be!!!

 I want naked little boys to run around the house again... laughing about being naked... and screaming... Mama!!! I'm naked!!!  You can't catch me!!!  While I playfully scold them to go put their clothes back on.

I want to step on Legos again.  I want there to be too many toys cluttering up my house.  I want tiny chairs, and Little Golden Books all over the place.

I want them to fit in my lap again.  I want to have to get a babysitter again.

It's weird... when they were little, I always seemed to be going somewhere where I needed a sitter.  Now... that I don't need a sitter... I never go anywhere anymore...

When I used to long for time "away" from being a Mama, when they were little... I now long for MORE time... for the Mama time to last just a little while longer.

They wash their own clothes, they can cook their own food, if I'm not available, they can reach things on higher shelves than me.  They don't need me for anything anymore... and I'm heartbroken about it.

Luckily... William will hold my hand, kiss me in public, even at his High School, and tells me he loves me... but I know it's only for a little while longer... until a *sigh* girl takes his heart...  Alex tells me his friends like me, and think I'm "cool"... but once again... only until the 'girl' takes his heart... and Johnny... thank God... he's still young enough to think I'm still the living end... but he has two older brothers that are making him grow up faster than normal... it's inevitable...

I'm going to be phased out... all too soon.

I'm. Not. Ready.  It's too soon.  I was just holding them and cooing at them just yesterday... or maybe that was 16 years ago... yeah... it was... it seems like a dream...

I need more time... I need to reinvent myself... so I can occupy my time when they are on their own...

Is it too late to be Cindy Crawford?


  1. OH MY GOD, Saundra! You have written exactly what I've been thinking. It's sad, isn't it? My "baby" will be 17 this year, and I feel like it's only been a few months since he was born!! It's been worse this week, since I've been crocheting baby gifts. :( I WANT MY BABY BACK!!!

  2. I feel the same way about my girls! In fact, I'm taking some time off to just hang out with them, while they still want me to.

    I'll make a deal with you. Save 2 of your wonderful boys for my girls and I'll make sure they never let those boys phase their wonderful Mama out:-)

    (great post!!!!!)

  3. Time marches on. Just think, one day maybe you'll have grandchildren who you can enjoy and do all those crazy things with when your sons are looking for a sitter so they can go out.

  4. Thank you for reminding me how great and blessed my life is right now. I will enjoy wiping behinds this week, stepping on legos, and going to the bathroom with an audience...I will soak up all the sweetness of being a mom to young boys. I know it will change so quickly. Thank you for the reminder. Made me tear up.

  5. wow...that hit home a little. Mine are still younger than yours but I can feel what you are feeling.


    BTW you can read me a story if ya want to

  6. You know, I needed to read this right now-I am in the middle of the nakedness, the hugs, the kisses, the messy, splashy baths, the bum wipes, and I just needed to be reminded to be greatful for these moments...I was mentally checking off each from your list-I even had to smile-My seven year old just kissed me tonight for bed and asked me to marry him!!! Those moments are precious, so thanks for the reminder...
    Hugs to you today!


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