Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Writers workshop

These prompts got me all excited!
I am going to do two of them...
1. What is my life's anthem? What song would I sing about myself, if I was asked to sing a song RIGHT NOW? What is it, and what does it mean to me?
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2. WE love telemarketers... tell a memorable story I had with one...
(Oh this one... I have sooooo many stories... but I'll limit myself)
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My life anthem... has pretty much been the little song from the 80's by Matthew Wilder called
Break my Stride.
Here are a few of the lyrics...
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"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride...
Nobody gonna slow me down... oh no...
I've got to keep on movin...
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride...
I'm movin and I won't touch ground... oh no
I got to keep on movin..."
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It has multiple meanings at different times in my life...
Most of the time it means, that when others are trying to bring me down, to break me or my family, that we won't skip a beat... it just makes me stronger and more determined to prove the nay sayers and the ones who feel the need to 'put me in my place' so wrong that my life actually gets better as a result... while the naysayer is still in limbo and stunted.
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I used to let what others say or said about me, get to me... now... I just head it off at the pass, ask if this or that was said, right at the source, and nip it in the bud. The fact that I am being talked about doesn't bother me... but it had better be the truth.. and if it's not...I will take issue with it.
Nowadays, I just come right out and ask for what I want answers to.
Stride not broken.
I hope to teach my boys to be the same way.
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TELEMARKETERS!!!
Mwaahahahahahaha!
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I had a job once, for one whole 4 hour shift, where I was a telemarketer. I would have left sooner, but I was taught to finish what I start.
I. HATED. IT.
I was 17, and I was hired to sell Vorverk vacuum cleaner appts. for sales people.
Holy cow... what a crap job.
I don't understand how people can handle getting hung up on, yelled at, cussed out, and berated on a minute by minute basis!!! And I was told I was great at it.. "a NATURAL!" HA!
FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE!!!
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No, it did not make me more sympathethic to telemarketers.
It made me want to start a support group for them.
I once read a list of things to say to telemarketers on the phone to A. illicit a laugh from them, or B. to mortify them enough to HANG UP ON YOU!
I posted the list next to the phone and found myself PRAYING for a telemarketer to call. It took a few weeks. (this was waaaaay before caller id, do not call lists and computers for everyone)
Phone rings.
I answer.... "Hello"
"Hi, is this the lady of the house?"
"Yes... sniffle, sniffle..."
"Uh... Ma'am, are you okay?"
"Nnnnnoooooo! (crying now)"
"What's the matter?"
"I... I...I... just ran over my 10 year old seeing eye dog!!!! Aaaahhhh...(sobbing now)
"What?"
"He's DEAD!" sniffle, sniffle...snort...
"Oh, I am sooooo sorry, I'll let you go... I am so sorry ma'am"
"No! Don't go! I need someone to talk to! I'm soooo sssaaaddddd!"
"Well... uh... I have to go... I have other people to call."
"But you called ME! You must want to talk to ME!"
"uH, well, yeah... I did... but you aren't in the right frame of mind right now..."
"Please don't leave me alone... I might do something crazy or stupid... and I can't be alone right now..."
"I really have to go Ma'am. I really am sorry."
(sobbing profusely, screaming...)
"NOOOOOOO!" "WAIT!"
Click.
That was very satisfying.
***
Another time, some guy calls and says...
"Hi, is the lady of the house home?"
(whispering) "uh...no... I accidentally answered the phone, I robbing this house right now... call back later..."
"YOU'RE WHAT!"
"I just broke in... shhhhhh! Just call back!"
Click...
Phone rings again...
"Uh...hello? Is anyone there?"
At this point, Bill and I have made up a fight scene, and made it sound like
we came home to find the burglars.
Us: "What the hell! Who's in here! Saundra! Get the bat! I'll get a knife!!!"
Running, scuffling, grunting like in a fight, knife hits the ground... Bill yells to me to Call 911!"
I run for the phone, and the telemarketer guy is SCREAMING at the phone, saying to GET OUT OF THERE!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!! THERE'S AN INTRUDER IN YOUR HOUSE!"
I am dying laughing and trying not to pee my pants.
I gain my composure and make it sound like one of us was killed...and screamed for my life and at the last second...I disconnected my phone.
THAT was fun.
***
Another time...Bill was working out of town for 6 months, and I was getting a bunch of calls from random companies and my boys were 5,3 and infant... it was about 8:30 p.m. and the phone rings... Telemarketer guy says...
"Hello, Mrs. Shaver... I'm Joe with Acme Blah, blah, blah..."
I just start breathing heavily... and finally ask... in a sultry whisper, (while breastfeeding Johnny, by the way...) "What'yer wearing..."
Joe says... "Uh... what?"
I say it again... but end with... "Come on big boy... tell Mama What You are wearing..mmmmm"
Click...
I LOVE IT!!!
***
We don't get many calls anymore... bummer.
They were soooo much fun!
Oh yeah... the burglar one was before kids... no time for things like that now...
I'll post more another time...
I have a million of them.
I used to do it at work too.
Sometimes I'll get one on my cell phone, and my kids crack up.
Ya gotta make life fun... or it gets to be mundane!

23 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness, you did have too much fun with the telemarketers! The sultry voice one is my favorite...I bet you could just feel that man blushing right through the phone!

    I also love that song! Gotta love the 80's!

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  2. I have to agree - it shouldn't be allowed to have so much fun with telemarketers. That should be reserved for me!

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  3. Oh my gosh! It does sound like you were having a GREAT time! I love funny people who make life more fun! We need more of you!

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  4. Oh, and I see you did not listen to me and enter the silhouette. Do you know where I heart faces is? I think you would be SO excited because there were at least 300 pictures of silhouettes. For a silhouette lover I think that would be heaven!

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  5. You have a sick and twisted mind. :) I only say that because I'm jealous!!! Why didn't I think of things like that? So much more interesting and fun than just hanging up the phone!! Keep up the good work torturing the telemarketers.

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  6. Almost makes me regret the Do Not Call list! XD

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  7. Oh man that's classic. I'd probably be laughing too hard to follow through.

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  8. That is hilarious. I am jealous too! Can't wait to tell my husband about it in the morning. I love the robber one the best.

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  9. ROTFLMBO!!! You ARE crazy but in such a good way! :-D

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  10. Oh! I LOVE you telemarketer responses. I want to see that list! I have only done the one I posted on my blog but It gives me so many ideas!

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  11. Wish I could use your telemarketing tricks on robo-calls. Somebody really wants me to know that the warranty on my car is up. They want me to know twice a day, every day.

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  12. I love it. It must be a blast to live in your house!

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  13. Oh my God - you're a nut!! LOVED IT!!!

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  14. I love your blog Saundra. You've given me ideas for the next time a telemarketer calls!

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  15. Those poor telemarketers didn't stand a chance! Loved the post!

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  16. OMG! This is hilarious. I really wish I could get a telemarketer to call now. This could be fun!

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  17. great post... so funny... and no crap- we actually do the robbery one at our house quite often... yea, we get bored!!

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  18. I always knew you were funny, but damn girl those are hillarious. One time my son answered the phone and was totally convinced the lady was his grandmother and wouldn't give the phone to me. That was too funny

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  19. So glad I stopped by your blog today, that was hilarious :)

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  20. I am laughing so hard!!!!
    My husband is also laughing because I read it to him!!! We want to try these things out-you are soooooo funny!!! Seriously. Funny!!!!

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  21. Oh man you are RUTHLESS with telemarketers!! Hilarious!

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