Thursday, November 6, 2008

Writer's Workshop

Writers Workshop

I choose #1, and #4.

1.) You awaken with amnesia in what looks to be an igloo. You have $4 and a rock in one pocket, and a toothbrush in the other. Someone is staring at you. Write this scene.

2.) Write a 16-line poem (rhyming or non-rhyming) about a moment from your childhood that changed your life for the better.
3.) You're sitting at work one day and receive a text message from an unrecognized number. The text says, "I have the money and hid the body." You think this is a practical joke from a friend, so you play along at first. But the more texts you receive, the more you realize that it isn't a joke. Write the text conversation you have with this unknown texter.
4.) 10 of my absolute worst pet peeves...
5.) Fictionalize an event that happened to one of your parents, friends, or siblings
Alaska Morning
I awaken with amnesia in an igloo, with $4 bucks, a rock in one pocket, and a toothbrush in the other. Someone is staring at me... who is it?
{Me}"Yaawwwwnnn! Oh, that was a good long nap!
Boy, it sure is bright in here!
Have I always liked white this much?
And who turned the AC on so high! It's FREEZING in here! Brrr!
Holy CRAP!
Who are YOU!?!"
(Ridiculously handsome creature is sitting cross legged, across the... the... igloo... white shirt unbuttoned, blue jeans, barefoot, holding one simple white stem of Gladiola, staring lovingly at me.)
He says "I'm Tom Selleck. You've been out for quite a while honey... You were shivering, so I gave you my parka and my socks to keep you warm"
To which he replies..."Yes, sweetheart, don't you remember?"
{I scramble for the right answer... if I say I remember, we can get on with life and all the stuff married people get to do without worry of pregnancy, and if I say I don't remember, he might go away.. he can't go away... he's MINE ALL MINE! Choose Saundra, is that my name? Choose!}
{Me} Of...of...course I remember silly, I was just seeing if you remembered! ha he ha hhha ugh!
Tom, babe, uh... I know you already told me and all, but I just love to hear you say it, anything really, but can you tell me again why we are in an igloo...? Hmmmm? Oh... and when is bedtime?
{Tom} "Oh baby, you are such a kidder! You know we do this every year... we come up to Nome Alaska and help the Polar Bears find food and get from one broken glacier to the other... now come on and help me gut all this fish... you know how much you love getting your hands dirty...come on in here and help me. Oh, and since it stays light all day in summer, we go to bed when the urge strikes us"
{Me} I'll follow you to the gates of Hell, if that was where you were going...
(Suddenly, I see what everyone is doing... trying to catch fish that are still alive and plunging a sharp knife right up through the middle of 'em. I start to gag... did he say I love this? Is he kidding? I hate this... don't I? Do I? Have I really done this before? If I say I have the urge to go to sleep, will he come with me?)
I take off my gloves and try to put them into a pocket, when I realize I have a rock in my pocket.
Why the heck do I have a rock in my pocket?
I look at the rock and see that it says "I love you Mamala" written on it, in what looks like a left hander's hand.
{Me} Tom, sweetie, where are our children? They must be worried about me... us."
{Tom} Are you feeling okay? We don't have children... Are we going to start THAT conversation again?
{Me} How do you explain this? (showing him the rock)
{Tom} I don't know... maybe one of the Eskimo children gave it to you and you forgot.
{Me} Eskimo children speak Yiddish? Up here in Nome? Really? I... I....I feel like I've been called that before... I don't know why...
{Tom} (grabbing me with those fabulous handsome hands, pulling me toward him in a huge bear hug, his hairy naked chest just inches away under all that dang goose down and thermal underwear...) Saundra... you are starting to scare me... I know the air is thin here, and it's cold, but you aren't acting like you usually do."
{Me} Well, honey, I don't quite feel like myself... I think I'll take this $4 bucks in my pocket and go get a Starbucks around the corner.
{Tom} Ha! Ha! hhhaaaa! Starbucks! Around the corner! In Nome! In Fall! HA! You aren't feeling well, but you sure are funny!
{Me} Uh....yeah.... ha! Yeah, no Starbucks around here, that's for sure... huh!
(The rock goes back in my pocket, the money gets stashed in my Parka, and I wander around the camp... igloo... and I decide to take a nap...)
(I dream. A lovely dream. I have a handsome, rugged husband, and three ridiculously handsome sons in my dream. We live in a smallish, nicely furnished home, with, I am sorry to say, microscopic bathrooms, a big, fruit tree laden backyard complete with fire pit, built in pool and a summer lounging cabana. They dote on me constantly, always making sure I am comfy, and take good care of me because I am the only girl in the house.)
I wake up to screams of
"Hey! That's mine! Give it back or I'm telling Mom!"
"Mamala!!! Hellllppp meeeee! My brothers are ganging up on meeeeee!"
"Hey Alex, I'll hold John-John in the air like a pinata, you swipe at him until he barfs!"
and the lovely screams of...
"Stop giving me wedgies!"
Tom is gone. The igloo is no more.
The phone is ringing, the boys are arguing, the TV is too loud, my dinner is burning, and I have 15 guests coming to a Pampered chef show in 30 minutes, in my kitchen.
Alas... it was all just a dream...
Peaceful, childless, fish gutting Nome Alaska is gone...
and John-John walks in with the rock that inevitably fell out of my pocket during my nap...
"Here Mamala, you must have dropped this.
Don't you like it?"
{Me} Oh, baby, I love it. I'll keep it always. It helps me come home to you.
{Johnny} Good, now, can you go give my brothers up for adoption now? They really don't need to be here anymore... do they?
1. "Not my baby" Mama's... You know who I am talking about. The Moms who say how fantastic their kids are, that they would NEVER do this, or NEVER do that, and you really know
what those kids do behind her back...but she just doesn't see it?
Yeah... I hate that!
2. People who don't wave a thank you from their window after you let them cut in front of you in traffic.
3. Liars. A little tiny exaggeration now and again is tolerable... but outright lying is just too much to handle.
4. People who are afraid to speak their minds because they are constantly afraid to offend someone.
5. Eating with mouths open or really loudly.
6. Chewing tobacco spit. It is sooo gross!
7. Litterbugs
8. Bigots... can't stand 'em
9. Parents that allow their children to talk back or be disrespectful to them.
(because they are afraid the kids WON'T LIKE THEM!!!)
10. The holidays. I don't like them ever since Bill and I had kids, and have to make decisions that won't hurt anyone on the 8 sides we have to deal with now.
It's not fair to us. We aren't divorced... why do our Holidays have to be miserable?


  1. Wonderful! Bravo!
    I tell ya twin of the blog world... I was thinking a scenario just like your Tom Selleck one (minus fish guts) LOL

    and I agree with you on the pet peeves too!

  2. Mimi, I am a Mama of three men... fish guts, bodily functions, ooze, all that stuff is common to me now...

  3. This is a great story!!! Oh and I hate when people don't give the Thank you wave; makes me want to go cut right back in fromt of them!! :)

  4. LOVED the story - it was so funny! :) And as for the pet peeves...I agree with most of them!

  5. Great list. I couldn't agree more. I hope my comments go through. I was trying to comment yesterday and it wouldn't post!!!

  6. Yes... came through!!! I don't know what was going on yesterday... I wasn't home all day!

  7. :) The Igloo scene was great!! Hilarious!!
    And I am so with you on your pet peeves! on #9, how the heck do you get kids to stop talking back?? I've tried just about everything, nothing has worked so far. I gave up a long time ago on wanting my kids to like me ;) I've seen how the parent/friend thing turns out and its so not pretty!

  8. I had a friend who would spit his chew into a pop bottle while we played games, never failed he ALWAYS knocked it over at some point and then there would be chew juice on my floor. So gross

  9. I LOVE this!! I wanted to do that story SO badly...I just couldn't work the scenario out in my head! You did it brilliantly. :)

  10. Loved your igloo story! Your pet peeves I agree with most of them too!

  11. Great igloo story/dream. Tom Selleck... hubbuh hubbuh! I think that right there was every womans dream... well except the fish guts. And your top ten is perfect.

  12. you are just too funny. I loved your take on the igloo story that was SUPER creative and not to mention hilarious.

  13. LOL, You do crack me up!
    I understand the holiday thing,
    but having my P has been freeing.
    I feel like I can say.."no, we are staying home
    with just the three of us this time.."

  14. I don't think I would have come up with a fantasy of Tom Selleck, but I could definitely work with that!

    And tobacco chewing ew ew ew ewewewew!

  15. Your igloo post is too funny!!! And I totally agree with you on punishing a child. No wonder most teenagers are the way they are. :)

  16. OK the first workshop? I'd pick number 3, and the next text I'd send is:

    Meet me at Starbucks on 4th & Main at 9.30. Buy me a coffee or I'll kill you. One body, two bodies, whassa matta?

  17. Thanks everyone!

    Braja.... your too funny! Remind me never to piss you off!!! lol

  18. Tom Selleck! Yum-my! Loved that story! I have a girlfriend who is the mama you mentioned in #1 - it drives us all crazy! :)

  19. Loved #1 on your list. I just blogged about that myself yesterday.

  20. Fabulous read. Very creative! Love the pet peeves too cause I can relate.

  21. Hey, I didn't know you are an hour away. There are a lot of us in California but everyone is so spread out. What area of town do you live in?

  22. Kat... yeah.. i know.. he's old school... but that rugged, mustachioed, everyman thing does it for me every time.

  23. Tom Selleck was hot way before Ryan Seacrest even knew he had boy parts!! Kind of like Sean Connery, but a little newer. And it is good to see that even the women like a touch of youth in their personal fantasies. But then, some people are hot enough to transcend their age.

  24. Stu... Yeah... I'm not sure Ryan know yet that he has man parts...

    Jeannie... I aim to please!


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